It’s a matter of degree

Let’s admit it - we all are people pleasers to some degree. Is that so bad? It can be… depending on the degree. I believe that the degree is dependent on our belonging need, unmet need, and how/if/we value our belonging. Where is your comfort level (and we all have different points at which we are 'comfortable'.

Sooo... what constitutes a met need in this area? Do you even know? Should you care is a given 'yes' answer. If you are the type that agrees with whomever you last spoke to then you are at one end of the continuum. At the other end is the person that plunges on ahead without any regard to the consequences that could occur to others. Quite honestly, there's a wide tightrope of considerable length in between. So where do you fall? Do you care? 

On one hand 'people pleasers' really get a bad rap because they are seen as wishy washy. They are seen as trying to be all things to all people - and that's not just a flawed philosophy, it's totally impossible to sustain. But is that really the definition of a people pleaser? Is there no saving grace to this position? OK, maybe that last sentence was a bit overboard, but sometimes one has to do this in order to get others' attention.

Bottom line is that I do think we all are people pleasers to some degree. Most of us want the best for that other person, even when it's not reciprocated. If you're a Christian, we're kinda meant to be this was. However, I've always seen a slight caveat.

   "But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’ [a firm yes or no]; anything more than that comes from the evil one."  [Matthew 5:37]

This unmistakably means - you don't say 'yes' to one person and then to the next person you speak with on the same subject, you say 'no'. Doing this reinforces the realization by others that you are untrustworthy, because your reputation will precede you when you are seen in this light. I tend to think these people who act this way are trying to avoid conflict at any cost - even of their own reputation. Would you ask the opinion of such a person because you will never know their true thinking and acting? As a support they linger at the very back of the group so they don't have to acknowledge anything. But this is the extreme.

If you want to consider a different definition then look to scripture as to how we are to treat others. There are many verses speaking to this, I'm going to share 4:

   "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."  [Philippians 2:3-4]

   " Treat others the same way you want them to treat you."  [Luke 6:31, 

Matthew 7:12]

   "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor [perpetual animosity, resentment, strife, fault-finding] and slander be put away from you, along with every kind of malice [all spitefulness, verbal abuse, malevolence]. Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you."

[Ephesians 4:31-32]

You could possibly make an argument or redefinition of the first 3, but this last one puts a period.

   "I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too are to love one another."  [John 13:34]

When we try to follow Jesus' command we really are fulfilling those first 3 scriptures. This can probably be looked at as the pinnacle of direction and definition of being a 'people pleaser'. 

Create and Renew

   "Hide Your face from my sins And blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a right and steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit."  [Psalms 51: 9-12]

Sometimes we take the kernel out without realizing the significance of the verses pre and post the kernel. I chose only 1 before and 2 after the verse 10 but see how it expands the thought. Hide and blot begin the plea. We know that God knows when we have transgressed His law and purposes. He knew it before (?) or at least during our act. It's impossible to hide what we did/said or didn't do/say. So we come to ask that He hide and blot out our sins and iniquities. As a Christian I rely heavily on 1 John 1:9. But again... look at the verses before the answer in verse 9.

   " If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness [of sin], we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we [really] walk in the Light [that is, live each and every day in conformity with the precepts of God], as He Himself is in the Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another [He with us, and we with Him], and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin [by erasing the stain of sin, keeping us cleansed from sin in all its forms and manifestations]. If we say we have no sin [refusing to admit that we are sinners], we delude ourselves and the truth is not in us. [His word does not live in our hearts.] If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose]. If we say that we have not sinned [refusing to admit acts of sin], we make Him [out to be] a liar [by contradicting Him] and His word is not in us." [1 John 1:6 -10]

It's like the verses book end. Verses 6-8, punctuated by 10 tell us probably what we already know. But 9 reveals what we receive when we act according to His principles. I doubt seriously that He ever expects perfection out of us, I don't believe He is surprised when we slip, fall, believe the lie, purposely lash out, SIN. But I do believe He is disappointed when we don't seek restoration and forgiveness from our wrongs. The Father has provided for EVERY situation and continues to provide how we can restore the gift we received when we made Jesus our Lord - we receive relationship.

Do we really want the Lord to 'create' a new heart in us?  How about 'renewing' a right and steadfast spirit within me? Are we willing to pay the price for this to occur. For that matter, are we willing to pay the price if we don't? Is relationship important to us? 

Are we a willing spirit? We have free will, we were born with it just like the sin nature. I sometimes think that we have free will because the Father wanted us to make our decision, our choices freely - not coerced or tricked or misled. He wanted us to want Him, to choose Him freely. The devil, on the other hand only uses deceit and trickery remember the scripture that defines this: 

   "Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour. But resist him, be firm in your faith [against his attack—rooted, established, immovable], knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being experienced by your brothers and sisters throughout the world. [You do not suffer alone.]" [1 Peter 5: 7-8]

Why anyone would ever follow someone/something that there only object was to place you in harm defies understanding... yet there are those that do. Our choice is to follow such as that or follow the one that says:

   "I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd lays down His [own] life for the sheep." [John 10:10b-11]

No wonder that the Psalmist wrote, "Create in me a clean heart..." We can't do it alone nor do we have to because we have one that walks with us who is more than able.

Balance people... Balance.

I've used the title - But what about meeee? - before, and though this isn't the title of this post... it really will seem like I'm just using different words for the same message. Perhaps, but I believe that sometimes a title/focus has more than one application. 

Regardless, what about you? First... does everything in your life HAVE to be about you? And when you find out what it's all about you... what are you going to do with that information? Primarily - why? Why? Why do you need to be the center of attention - especially when the 'issue' is outside of you, in areas that you've not become a part? A case of sidelines coaching (typically without all the information)?

The other part of that title is: 'What's in it for me?' Many people don't want to be involved with (fill in the blank) unless they get something from their involvement. As a Christian, where are you on this continuum of 'what about me' and selflessness? That question, in case you wondered - IS important.

When I talk about 'balance', this post reflects this dichotomy we sometimes find ourselves facing. Balance doesn't mean to be mindless of yourself. You need to see you as the Lord sees you... not as man sees, or even yourself. But if you never see a 'bigger' view of you, from the Lord's standpoint - what do you see? Where are you heading? What are you learning? Who are you, precisely, do you see you as the Lord does? What do you do, precisely, that brings honor and glory to Him? Do you know?

Simple example: Matthew 8: 19-22

   "Then [on His way to board the boat] a scribe [who was a respected and authoritative interpreter of the Law] came and said to Him, 'Master, I will accompany You [as Your student] wherever You go.' Jesus replied to him, 'Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.' Another of the disciples said to Him, 'Lord, let me first go and bury my father (collect my inheritance).' But Jesus said to him, 'Follow Me [believing in Me as Master and Teacher], and allow the [spiritually] dead to bury their own dead.'” 

We sometimes misunderstand what scripture is saying. It wasn't until I read this passage in the Amplified version that I saw a different teaching, a different perspective which made all the difference. (It's the underlining that begins to provide a different perspective.)

When I talk about 'balance', I'm speaking to this apparent oxymoron or opposing understanding of an issue. When you find a scripture that appears to be at odds with other teachings - since scripture confirms itself, it never is contrary or opposite to other scriptures - stop and reassess. Read the 'opposing' scriptures in various versions to get a fuller understanding.

Too often it is the first scripture we've read that appears contrary to what is being read now. Always remember they aren't different... now becomes the time of discovery of what actually is being said/taught. Also, if it is someone that is quoting the differing scripture - don't attack them, jointly discover the truth. It really isn't being hidden.

Do you seek balance in your life? Do you experience balance? Is it important? I would add the caveat that balance is never compromise. Compromise will only hurt you in the end because too often it's a form of deception and confusion.

The Power of Listening

to yourself? Do you? Are you surprised by what you hear? Do you believe what you are saying? Those are only the obvious questions that spring to mind when you think about, focus on what it is YOU hear from what you say. Not a new thought and maybe not as important as I think it is or as unimportant as you might practice.

I know I've caught myself saying to myself - did I really say that!?! But did the listener(s) hear what I meant? The answer to this last question is probably a big - not. Part of the problem is we use words expecting the listener to understand our definition regardless of how it may be understood. I've watched others in a heated discussion (argument) and realizing that what's being discussed is really the same thing just using different words but no one is stopping long enough to listen to both themselves and the other person.

Another side to this is not realizing, even when understood, that the other person could be deeply hurt by the words when that wasn't the intent. Especially in heated 'discussions' we need to take the time to listen to ourselves, to the other person (s) and to how the words may affect them and your relationship. Even we who think we are good listeners may not spend any time listening to ourselves.

   "He who answers before he hears [the facts]— It is folly and shame to him." [Proverbs 18:13]

And Proverbs 18:2 says: 

   "A [closed-minded] fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his personal opinions [unwittingly displaying his self-indulgence and his stupidity]."

If ever there was the suggestion that we stop before responding these 2 verses give us 2 different but supporting reasons. I would suggest that the stopping gives us a moment to reflect on what we actually heard. It may be a difference in definitions... it may be precisely what we heard but the point is - have we heard what was said (whether that was us speaking or the other person). It is also a time to verify - to ask a question to determine if we have in fact heard what was said (we or the other's words). 

We can take as our guide Proverbs 4:23 because this is the foundation for all our words. Will we see the power of listening - to ourselves as well as the other person? Will we understand the basis for our communication? 

   "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life."

Never let your words flow from haste, from assumptions and this begins in our listening.

Thy will be done...

Do we really mean that? Are we really asking that the Lord's will be done? This question is asked to Christians, especially praying Christians. Regardless of the need in the prayer... do we ask that His will be done? Or do we mean ours?

Actually, I was brought up a bit short today when I realize that the need I was praying about, I really had my preferred response in mind. Don't get me wrong - there's nothing 'wrong' about having a preference and asking for what you really want. 

   " Therefore let us [with privilege] approach the throne of grace [that is, the throne of God’s gracious favor] with confidence and without fear, so that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find [His amazing] grace to help in time of need [an appropriate blessing, coming just at the right moment]." [Hebrews 4:16]

Let's look at what the Father has invited us into... we have privilege! Did you ever consider that when we come it's because Jesus provided our way to come. We certainly didn't earn it or deserve it - we come because Jesus and the Father provided the opportunity. Then it tells us that we should come confident and without fear! Why? So that WE may find mercy and grace in our need(s). 

Now remember what James taught:

   "You ask [God for something] and do not receive it, because you ask [c]with wrong motives [out of selfishness or with an unrighteous agenda], so that [when you get what you want] you may spend it on your [hedonistic] desires." [James 4:2-3]

Do you look at your motives? Granted this is for one's personal wants. But when you are interceding for the need of someone else... do you know your why, your motives? More to the point - do you ask 'Thy will be done'? 

   "This is the [remarkable degree of] confidence which we [as believers are entitled to] have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, [that is, consistent with His plan and purpose] He hears us. And if we know [for a fact, as indeed we do] that He hears and listens to us in whatever we ask, we [also] know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted to us] the requests which we have asked from Him." [1 John 5:14-15]

It takes our faith and trust to pray, ask in this way. Perhaps, we should be praying more for His will to be manifested in the situation/need? And this does not mean that we shouldn't lift the need up to Him nor stop interceding. This is simply a different view, perspective leading to a different foundation for how we pray, how we intercede. The Lord's answer may not be what we want or expect but it really isn't according to our will. We can ask, and keep asking but as pray-ers, we come alongside the person in need and seek.

Will we ask that His will be done...?

Writer musings

Every once in awhile I tend to stop and assess. The focus of this particular assessment is the Blog's activity. 

Most all of my writing has take place in the context of this blog. Books were birthed here, other devotional opportunities were birthed here, etc. At this point I'm moving toward 2000 separate posts - I'm actually at 1991. That's a lot of posts. Yes, sometimes the topic was written about more than once. That's because my understanding grew or I discovered a different perspective or my focus was slightly different. 

I really do love to write. I tend to think that I'm not the writer, the Lord just invited me into this fantastic journey and has allowed me to put into my words a message for all. I like that. Probably this is based in my all consuming desire to make a difference, to provide ways for people to grow as Christians regardless of the path they're on - as long as they want to grow into the person the Lord's always seen.

Initially I had post daily... when that got a bit much, I switched to every other day... when that also got to be a bit much, I switched to every 3rd day... which is how it has continued - until today. From now on I will write and post a post when I have something to say that I need to share. And I should warn you... I'm a devotee to discovering. And then comes the fun to see how it can be incorporated into my mindset, my personal person. 

Knowledge apart from application is just knowledge. And yes, knowledge is the foundation to wisdom. But wisdom comes from applying. At least that's my frame of reference. Trust me, I've got a lot of miscellaneous pieces of 'knowledge' floating around my head ... I'm beginning to think that's a given. I do tend to try and see if it (the new 'knowledge') 'fits', improves, expands, or contradicts my current standard.

The point in all this is - 'regular' has ceased to be the primary motivator in my blog posting. I just hope that challenge, pondering, interacting with what is written isn't jeopardized. I did feel you needed to be apprised of this latest change in 'publication'. Also... recognize that I enjoy dialogue (iron sharpening iron) and welcome your thoughts, agreements, disagreements, discoveries too.

Come... let us dialogue and discover...... and apply.

Blessings