Self defense

The 'evidence' suggests that we all are quick to defend ourselves... whether or not we need to. If we 'sense' that a slight or 'attack' on our character or any other aspects of our self, then we leap into the breach with a defense of self. And what does this avail us? Sadly, more misunderstanding. Should we have initially responded with an apology? a question about why the other person said/did (fill in the blank)? Have we assessed the 'cause'? Or have we only reacted?

I really should know better, but I still tend to adopt the latter approach. It never 'works'... it only muddies. I suspect the 'problem' begins at the start of the exchange and it is my assumption (?), presumption (?), definition or assessment of the moment that causes my 'self defense'. Also, at the crux could be that I really shouldn't have said/done what I did and now I'm slightly embarrassed. If this describes you too then we all have hope. It's called a paradigm shift in our mindset.

Are we truly interested in communication or were we simply either misreading the situation without a thorough 'examination', or were we simply babbling. And while I really dislike the tag of babble, this can be the culprit - especially if we are teasing or attempting to be amusing. Point is - how we react and whether or not we are willing to reconcile and accept our part in the misunderstanding. Rarely is this one-sided, it always takes two. And yes... scripture does speak to this 'problem':

   "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a
    word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment,
    so that it will give grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29)

   "Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt,
    so that you will know how you should respond to each person." 
   (Colossians 4:6)

   "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech,
    conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those
    who believe." (1Timothy 3:12)

   "Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No', anything more that this
    comes from evil." (Matthew 5:37)

Those are only a few of the scriptures that speak to this issue. However, the one scripture that I need to remember more often is:

   "I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every
    careless word they speak." (Matthew 12:36)

For me, that puts a period on all discussion.  We can offer an apology, attempt to reconcile, or offer clarification... what was our original intent - communication? But if the action was frivolous then there really is no self-defense.

The best of intentions

Sometimes... this isn't enough. Sometimes, you really don't know what to do now (after your best of intentions didn't work). Sometimes you really did have the best of intentions but it was all wrong - wrong timing, wrong expression, wrong focus... wrong. There are all sorts of semi-positive reasons that the best of intentions didn't succeed. And there are the excuse based intentions, and the self-serving, and the ... well, you get the message. When our best intentions fail or go astray is when we say we had, the best of intentions, we face - now what?

In my world, we really should start at our motivation - why our 'intentions' didn't work. What were we truly trying to accomplish? If it was to manipulate others in some fashion to accept a particular action, then there is no such thing as best. In all cases and at all times, we must remember that when others are involved, they too have free will and all the attendant interference and choices. And... their ideas could be considerably better than ours. However, the issue at this point is our motivations... to do or not do (fill in the blank).

What kind of behavior did you express when presenting your best? Did you give sufficient 'argument' for your position and allow for others' questions and inputs? If not, then this can be a barrier. People need to be invested or have ownership of what is 'best', if not you may not have the necessary support for success. How we present makes a tremendous impact on the hearing and subsequent acceptance of what we propose. If it is only self-serving then you probably should change your position and purpose quickly.

And yes,, there are other factors affecting our best of intentions, but when we are aware of our own agenda and admit this to ourselves, then we can become more open to what others are saying. It is especially important when you need the assistance of others to accomplish the goal. If your best of intentions really are the best, then any 'failure' is mitigated and every success is heightened. As much as we may want a different result, best of intentions may not assure success. But unless we are aware of why we are doing or wanting to do (fill in the blank) then we jeopardize success. 

Peace... Good will...

   (The following is a message, challenge, opportunity that I issued in 
    my article for the December newsletter.) 

‘Peace! Good will toward men.’ I always feel that it is somewhat sad that this message is relegated to a specific time period. Perhaps, even worse is that we need reminding. Overreacting? Could be but how often do we think about peace and good will? Just as important - how do we define these words... operationally? Would you recognize it if you saw it?

Peace is a state of mind, a mindset; but it is also a choice action. We choose to act and respond this way. Life is not fair and if we are operating with the belief that life should be 'fair', then we need to reassess because 'fair' is not in the definition of 'life'. I would even add that 'fair' is a moving target and never defined. Trouble is that though we harbor a hope (?), desire (?), need (?) that peace and good will  emerge, we also don't believe it will.   

But... what if we started something new? What if we launch our own attempt to act, speak. and be a carrier of 'peace' and 'good will'? If we do, we can't expect others to always understand, nor can we expect them to jump onto this bandwagon. We can, however, expect to be mocked, even if it's behind our back but does this dissuade or inspire you? Will you go beyond the 'expected' to be that voice of peace?

We are heading into the Christmas season... what if we all acted with peace and good will - even if we don't receive any in return. In doing this will we be sharing Jesus in our world, and wouldn't that be a wonderful gift to give the Lord? Think about it. Perhaps... if we really believe we do make a difference in our world, we can expand this concept into a lifestyle? Perhaps we can be a voice of peace and good will.

Finest gift

Have you ever thought that the best gift you can give to another person is you Listening? But this is a very special kind of listening. The Listening I am talking about is define by: full and complete attention to what the other person is saying, listening by asking them questions on what they are saying, clarifying so you know their definitions, frame of reference which may not be yours. Not assuming their why but genuinely attempting to understand. Those are the visible behaviors that you are Listening. 

The purpose in doing this is for you but it also serves at least 2 for the speaker. I believe that people need to feel that they have been heard. This is a kind of affirmation and valuing. Also people rarely will consider an idea, disagreement, difference, etc. until they have had the opportunity to feel they have 'had their say'. The other purpose is that they can also listen to what they are saying. I believe we have less 'that's not what I meant' or other misunderstandings when we actually do say what we think we are meaning. 

It truly isn't all that difficult to Listen. Yes, it does take concentration... and not assuming what they are going to say next... or devising your response. When you take the time to listen, your focus is on the other person... not on yourself. And as 'simple' as this may sound, it is quite difficult to accomplish. This is because much of conversation is really debate. Think about it. Do you automatically assume you will agree with the speaker? Unless it is a friend of long standing, if we're honest - probably not. Not criticism... reality. Because we too want to feel our views are honored and listened to.

If your goal is you and your thoughts and opinions, you will undoubtedly have 
misunderstandings if you act on what you think you heard. We don't always have the same definitions and until we are 'on the same page' we really don't operate from a point of agreement and mutual understanding. And yes, your opinions should be heard. Sometimes it's in your how of presenting them. If your stance is argumentative, you may not be heard. 

Communication is really all it's cracked up to be. It can be the source of new learnings and understandings or the foundation to a successful end to the project. And yes... it does depend on you. Don't assume you will be heard. Don't assume you have the best mousetrap. Look for collaboration. Even if you aren't heard... you Listen. Then after you have, you can present your thoughts... because now, they may also be heard.

The Great Search

While this issue can be argued that it's too sweeping and individualistic to pin down, I will always argue that the Great Search is for meaning and belonging. However, I would also maintain that these are so closely related, that in finding one... you find the other.

At the basis of seeking 'fame and fortune', this can become hollow without a context, a foundation. In the midst of seeking this outward goal, what is the root? What and how do you know... by the visible trappings? What about the person in all this - who are they and what are they becoming? I will always argue that the root really is meaning and belonging. What do you 'do' with fame and fortune... that determination falls into the 'meaning' category, but in and of itself... it has no significance. To Whom do you give the credit for your fame and fortune? If it is only you, then you're blind. If you acknowledge how and when the Lord provided you with the ability then we begin to talk about belonging.

Belonging. Meaning. These two concepts do overlap and define one another, at least in my world of definitions. They are 2 of the pillars from which everything else is built. Granted, these are my definitions but I think they stand the test of time. Belonging is always a sense of community, of family. In fact, the overriding definition of belonging is family - however you define family. It is your world in which you live. It is the context in which you can 'experiment' with expression and ideas - a safe environment to grow. For some, it's simply and profoundly ... relationship. 

Meaning...it's crucial. It is the glue, the reason; it is the purpose, the goal. Meaning is individually defined and is closely align with mission and passion... vision and depth. And yes, it is difficult to adequately describe... however, you know it when you experience it. This is why you do what you do and say what you say - it's your defining characteristic. It's fruitfulness and fulfillment, it's life. If there is no meaning, there is existence, but there isn't life. 

We are so much more...

than we think we are. Or at least the potential to see and accept and act on this reality. If we believe... in ourselves as well. I'm not talking about ego or arrogance or feign bravado but our 'who', the family we were born again into, the importance, protection, and equipping this inheritance means to us now. Remember the Lord's words when the rich young ruler wasn't willing to leave all and follow Him (Mark 10:29-30)

   "Truly I tell you, Jesus replies, No one who has left home or brothers
    or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for
    the gospel will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age - houses
    and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields along 
    with persecutions - and to receive eternal life in the age to come."

It is totally impossible to fence sit - to have one foot in one kind of world and attempt to have the other foot in another. Not possible. You have to choose!

In the choosing, we have the opportunity to be and do so much more. Don't let the '...with persecutions...' slip by unnoticed. This is a given. Just as the Lord told His disciples that as He had received persecutions, misunderstandings, rejections, etc. in this world, so would they... so would we. It's a fact that has to be accepted and then act as a motivation for us to continue. However, there is also the 'but' that follows. Be prepared but be encouraged.

We are so much more than only sufficiently equipped and enabled... all we need do is act on this. Why would we not? Myriad of reasons... but a major part is how we view who we are, how we do what we do, the depth of our foundation... etc. 'Can't' is a word that can slip easily into our vocabulary. Typically it is defined as: won't. If we can only grasp the reality of our being grafted into the vine, of being a co-inheritor, of having all we need at the precise time we need it ... then we can be His Ambassador.

Assumptions

It's always our assumptions that lead us astray. Yes?! We all know this but we all will insist on doing it anyway. Why? Order. We all seem to need a way of structuring our interactions and actions. It appears to be the foundation to 'make sense' of our world. So is it all bad? All is the word that needs defining. If we insist that (fill in the blank) continues to be precisely what they were the last time we were with them ... then, it is that bad.

If you remember scripture, God told us, "I change not." (Malachi 3:6). The reason, purpose God was saying this was to give comfort and a foundation for relationship with Him. When you read this particular chapter, God is reminding the people that: He chose them, they left Him and not the other way around, He wouldn't leave them but they had to return to Him, etc. He was giving assurance to the people that He had not left them. This is also our comfort, that He is always here and available to us when we turn to Him. But His statutes, His ways, are not negotiable - He changes not.

Change is one of those big words that many people have great problems with because there is so much change in so many areas of our lives that we have trouble standing on a firm foundation. However, our Lord is a firm foundation on which we can trust. Why? Because God has also told us:

   "God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should
    repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He
    not make it good?" (Numbers 23:19)

However, as is indicated - man does not do this.The reasons are various: new information leading to new understanding, lies, deceit, etc. When we operate on assumptions, we say that the other person/situation will remain in a status quo. We don't remain in a status quo! So why should we ever expect others to do so. Yes, it does provide us with a foundation to operate from as long as we allow for growth, and don't expect no change. 

Assumption can be viewed as the frame of a house... but the front may become the back and a one story home become a 2 story. Simply be ready for change - don't expect it but don't run from it when it emerges... you might just discover something about yourself in the process.

By chance

Do you believe in... 'by chance'? For me, it falls into the same category as 'luck' - good or bad. Simply, I don't believe in either. The Lord that I serve would never be that willy nilly as to leave 'things' to our luck, or the lack of it, or to chance. The God who created the universe would never be that cavalier.

Everything predetermined? We are only pawns? Fatalistic? Not really. No. No. Predetermined: I do believe that God knows the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:10) but I also believe in free will. And no, they aren't incompatible, perhaps a bit of a conundrum at times but also they coexist, simultaneously. What I've discovered is that the Lord provides all we need to make the (our) best decision, however He doesn't predetermined that we will necessarily understand or make the best choice. This is because we have free will and aren't infallible - it's always our decision. Sometimes we deliberately choose 'our way', sometime we follow our best understanding, there are all sorts of ways we come to our decisions.

None of that is based in 'by chance' or 'luck'. I would argue that we all do what we do because we are motivated to act that way. It is our motivation based on... our experience, our training, our mindset - so many factors are involved in our motivation, why we choose what we choose when we choose it. There are those who would protest that they 'didn't have a choice' that they 'did what they had to'. Perhaps. But what got them to that point in the first place? "Line upon line, precept upon precept..." (Isaiah 28:10) principle. We never suddenly arrive at a point, even when we are surprised. We are where we are because of when, how, why, we did what we did.

That point is never simply positive or negative in my world of definitions. It is a given - it is what it is. The place that you are standing in/on at this moment is the result of a number of both positive and negative previous decisions - not 'by chance'. The question is - now what? If it isn't a 'good' place, you don't need to compound the problem, you can change. And if it is where you believe the Lord wants you then you have the confidence that He will be in this with you. 

Webster defines 'chance' as: 

   "... something that happens unpredictably without discernible human 
    intention or observable cause; assumed impersonal purposeless 
    determiner of unaccountable happenings,,,"

Does this really describe, define your life? Do you believe this? Do you think that the God of the Universe who created you in His likeness would simply leave you to your own devices, to chance? Hardly. He is always with us - all we need do is to turn to Him and begin to walk in all He has for us.

RETIREMENT!!!

What has 'retirement' to do with the context/focus of my blog? Actually, quite a lot? Are you the type that longs to retire? Do you 'hate' the idea because your job/work really defines you, who you are? Do you have plans for the now open time? Are you concerned about any aspect of your view of retiring, such as - will your money last? See... there is a lot of relevance. And if you haven't contemplated your own retiring (regardless of age) you really should.

Retirement's definition in my world contains some definite 'nots'. Example: retirement is not simply sitting down and doing 'nothing'. There are some 'components' of retirement that you don't retire from. Again, example: you don't stop discovering who you are and how you go about being you. Now you have the time you didn't have when you were working. So what do you want to do, to discover or confirm about yourself? Volunteer? Good choice but what you really need to do is to discover who you are that doesn't include going to a job every day - regardless of whether or not you enjoyed it.

Bottom line... there's a whole new world to discover and how you want to define your who in it. And yes, the reason I'm writing on this subject is because I have just entered this world, this new life. AND... I'm excited. Will I live out my finances? Don't know, but one thing I do know - if I do need to go back into the workforce, the Lord has already prepared this for me. Yes, finances are important... but there are so many other areas that are even more important such as walking in the gifting the Lord has placed in me. I truly do not want the basic needs to get in the way of this walk. 

Retirement, in so many ways is merely a new opportunity to look at one's life and discover what you can do with what's been given you. There is a special lady in my Bible study group that exudes the gift of Hospitality. Is that truly a gift? I think so. She is always ready to volunteer to help whoever or whatever needs to be done. But what's your gifting - that's the question to be answered. As you look back on your life with the Lord, what stands out as the times you felt His hand on you in confirmation of what you were doing? That may be your gifting that you can emphasize. Never accept that all you can do is sit. You are so much more than you think.

Knowing... me

When you get down to it... how many people have you allowed to know you... including yourself? Not the surface you (which is never superficial, only surface), but the deeper you? Is there a reason? In some fashion are you protecting you? From what... or whom? Perhaps I should start with - do you like you? And whether yes or no, do you know why?

To be blunt - you are really nothing apart from the Lord. Certainly you have talents, but you are always enhanced by your Maker. Once you have realized that there is nothing of real and lasting value apart from your relationship with the person who gave His life for you and gives you a new life, then you begin on a wonderful adventure of discovering who He is, who you are, and what your relationship is and can be. 

You really do need to know you - everything from the warts to the beauty spots. You have both. To emphasize one over the other doesn't get us anywhere. What we need to do is what the old song says - accent the positive, eliminate the negative. Who you are is your starting point and without this knowledge you are rudderless and without a foundation from which to begin. But of even more importance is who you can become. Remember 2 Corinthians - you are a new creature never before seen. You start with a clean slate. Repent of yesterday - absolutely, but focus on now.

Knowledge leads to wisdom which (should) forms our basis for action. Reading Proverbs gives us greater understanding about the firm foundation of knowledge. But a critical component in this is self knowledge and understanding about ourselves. This is not an excuse nor license for bad choices - it is a basis for understanding and change. We grow because we choose to do so but first we must choose to know.