How do you...Forgive?

  Are you a forgiver? When someone ask for forgiveness, are you quick to grant it? And then??? To forgive means to wipe the slate clean, do you do that for the other person, do you give them a new start? Or do you, subtly or overtly, punish them for their grievous behavior? Do you not let them move on? But... you do realize, that you're not allowing yourself to move on in the process - yes? What kind of forgiver are you?

  Actually the mindset you need is to remember what you want when you seek forgiveness. Do you want a new start? Or do you think you should be punished? Do you want mercy and grace or ...? In case you've forgotten, punishment hurts. And, I suspect the important question is - what gives you the right to exact punishment? Granted, if they have betrayed a trust you don't have to forget nor place yourself in the position to be hurt again but you do need to forgive and move on.

  Forgiveness isn't so much an issue of knowing what you should do - let's face it, we all know. It's in the doing. I must admit that there are moments and people I really don't want to forgive. A hurt so deep, a betrayal so odious, whatever the reason but I don't want to forgive. I know what should be done but I drag my feet until I remind myself of the scripture that talks about God being unable to forgive us if we don't forgive others. Scripture is very clear, Matthew 6:15 is unequivocal.

  The more we delay forgiving someone the more we keep our own blessing at bay. To me this is compounding the situation. We also have no right to act passive aggressive against the offender. Forgiveness must be open handed, even when the other person isn't aware or doesn't believe they need forgiveness. Sometimes it takes all of our strength to walk in forgiveness... but there really is no other alternative.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

I don't wanna!!!

  Does that sound as lame as it looks? Probably. But, like me, do you ever feel that way? Come on... be honest, you do. And the not wanting to has absolutely nothing to do with the 'activity' or the people involved... it simply is that there are moments that whatever it is with whomever they are - you just don't wanna! And whether or not you have a 'good' excuse to not be involved has nothing to do with the feeling. So what do you do in those times?

  Some of the time I allow myself the luxury of declining - as graciously as I can. And then one of two things occurs. One: I feel guilty because my 'excuse', though true, sounds so very trivial that it becomes one of those I know that you know that I know I'm only giving an excuse and I really could have
been involved. The result is that the now 'free' time is totally tainted and impossible to enjoy. The other thing that can happen is: I find, later, that the activity really was terrific and I missed out on something very worthwhile. The result of this is a kind of flat taste in the mouth about what I did do instead.

  Most of the time I 'suck it up' and do whatever it is. And many of the times I'm eventually glad that I did because I would have missed something quite... lovely. The few times that the activity is a dud doesn't compare to the times of positive experiences. For me to enjoy this though does require a change in me. I find that in the midst of whatever I allowed myself to succumb to is when the attitude changed. 

  'I don't wanna!!!' does need to be expressed and acknowledged or it will impact whatever decision you make. However, you don't have to punish others in the process. Being a martyr won't work either because this behavior always seeps out. What I typically try to do is to take some time with myself and pity party it and then move on. 5 minutes usually works. But then I try and enter in to whatever decision I make and not get into the 'what if'.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Shoulda, Coulda, Oughta...

  Do you get caught in the shoulda, coulda, oughta? Of course you do. We all do. The difference is the extent to which we let it control our lives and especially our feelings. This is a form of 'if only...' which accomplishes no more than the other words do. The point really isn't what we shoulda/coulda/oughta have done, have said... it's what we do now. How do we let it not control us? How do we learn from it!

  Being me, the first step is an honest (no excuses) appraisal - could I have done differently? Did I know and deliberately choose not to? What's my reality at this moment of 'awareness'? In some respects, this step is irrelevant if you are caught in the s/c/o - you are more involved with hitting yourself over the head or bemoaning what you did/didn't do. However, once you emerge from this state I would recommend you do a honest analysis, even if you can't change what's happening or the ramifications. The reason for this is so that you don't repeat.

  Sometimes the s/c/o state is something you can 'fix'. Do you want to? Do you need to? Or... to throw in another trite phrase: should you let sleeping dogs lie? If saving face is the sole reason for doing something, then you have no basis for doing anything. Your face really should be the last consideration. What you need to determine is: can/should something be done are you the one to 'fix it'? Sometimes the hardest yet best action is to allow someone else to make whatever changes need to be.

  Personally, I don't tend to spend a great deal of time in the s/c/o mindset - I tend to be more proactive, which can also cause problems. If something's 'wrong' then correction has always been the logical action. Problem is... it really isn't always. However, knowing your own style gives you enough time and information to 'head yourself off at the pass'. Correction may be the next step and you may be the principle actor in it... but maybe not. Shoulda, Coulda, Oughta may be magnified in a too quick response as easily as a too slow one.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Blundering toward perfection...

  I like that phrase - it really does describe best what it seems that we do. We are told that we are to move toward perfection (Matthew 5:48) and that we will become perfect. However, it is not a state that we come to fully in this life but that doesn't quit us from the responsibility of growing. We are also told that we see in a glass darkly but we will know (1 Corinthians 13:12). Those are two great promises, which become critical to hold to in the dark, desert times.

  If you are the least bit grateful for your life then you must be desiring to 'give back' something, anything to the One who walks with you and does so much for you. Yes? And even though you may know that there's nothing you really can do to even partially 'repay', you still want to be able to do... something. That's part of our blundering. But it really is OK. Gratitude can be a great motivator to behavior. And quite honestly... it's the intention of the heart that's important.

  I think we have what we need to really be all that we need to be. You are never asked or required to be someone you aren't and fortunately you can find all of what you need to be and do in scripture. Who and what we're suppose to be is not hidden from us, doesn't require arduous searching... it's in plain site. The only thing that's required is that you read, understand, and apply. And that's where the problem is. I suspect most people would rather have a 'thing' to do and then get it over with and go on. But what's required is... everything. All of us, always.

  Is it possible that you don't believe you have anything of worth to offer? Is that your issue? That 'all of you' isn't much, enough? Wrong, wrong, wrong. You are not in a position to judge how your part fits into the whole. And you certainly are not the one to determine your value. You need to accept who you are with all your warts but with all your positive qualities as well. It is you that is wanted, that is needed, that is a unique part important to the working of the whole. We may be blundering but the point is to look at yourself as God's gift to the world. What you do with yourself becomes your gift back.


...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

You are NOT a mistake.

  Do you sometimes feel like you are a mistake? Maybe you 'think' you might have been born in the wrong time... or maybe born into the wrong family... or maybe in the wrong country? Maybe? Not. God doesn't make mistakes so you can't be one! However, you have free will which means you can choose to make the wrong decisions which could place you in the wrong place and at the wrong time. But at the time you made the choice(s), it was based on your values, attitudes, etc. at the moment of deciding.

  If you honestly do believe that where you are is a mistake - then what are you going to do about this? Some people will only whine. Others will do the 'stiff upper lip' act. Actually the reality is - you are where you are. If you don't like the location - move. However, you can't change the time and you can't change your family - but you can always change your attitude. And what's the mistake about you? Circumstances, people, work, what is the mistake?

  After you finish moaning have you ever considered that God has you where you are for a reason? I've always loved the story of Esther (4:14) who discovered that she was who she was and where she was... for just a time as this. So are you. That's why you aren't a mistake, you have purpose, you have
meaning but you also have to choose to be available. Esther could have chosen to not accept what she was asked to do - so can you. But don't say you never knew - we always know.

  But maybe you believe that you lost your chance to be of value, that your opportunity came and you 'blew' it somehow.The 'saving grace' in this is that I honestly believe that if we have missed something significant for our lives then God has a way of bringing a new, similar opportunity back around for us. Granted, the missed opportunity is gone - someone else will have accepted because whatever it was needed to be done. But... a new opportunity will present itself. Simply because you 'made' a mistake doesn't mean that you are a mistake.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

JUDGing!!!

  Are YOU on the judgment wagon? If you are, this is one wagon you should fall off of. Are you the type that judges another person based on what you see? Of course you are - we all do this. The difference lies with what you are judging: the behavior, the rationale ... or the person.

  When you observe someone doing something you don't approve of, do you immediately judge them negatively or do you start asking them questions about why they did what they did, what prompted them to act in a particular way, etc.? Sometimes in asking questions you not only find out the motivation of the person but aid them in discovering it too. Questions tend to be far less threatening to the other person than a critical reaction. Many times that approach allows for no 'face saving' by the other person nor a way to extricate themselves.

  Judging is natural, and it isn't all bad. Judging has beneficial aspects. In Corinthians Paul gets on the church's case for not judging a fellow believer who 'knew' he was sinning. The operative word here is 'knew'. However, in Paul's next letter he tells the church that since the fellow confessed and repented - it was time to allow him back into fellowship. The obvious point is confess/repent and when that is the new behavior then it's critical to accept the person - just like the Father forgives us. 

  Scripture does not give a blanket 'no' to judging. If you look at that scripture again (Matthew 7:1-2) Jesus identifies the context: "For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." What basis are you judging? And what measure do you meet out? Those become the issues.  It's not ignoring or condoning sin or poor decisions or whatever is the focus - you can't do this - but it is causing you to look at your own basis. You should always remember the next sentence... "And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye."

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

How to get to where you're going...

  The first step in getting to where you're going is knowing where you are going. And this is not as obvious as you might think. There are hordes of people going, but going in circles or retracing steps or... If you are going to a specific place then you need to consider the best, quickest, most logical path of getting you from where you are to your destination. Is this also true of how you approach  your life?

  There are certain... questions you must answer for yourself in order to know where on the continuum of leaving and getting there you are. 1- Are you engaged in the journey, are you involved step-by-step? If not, why are you going? Will you even realize when you have arrived? 2- Is where you are heading where you want to go? Destinations are reached far quicker if it is a location you want to be. Have you truly thought this out? 3- What's your attitude about your journey? Excited? Frightened? Is it an adventure? Is it ho hum? And these are only the surface questions.

  To get to where you're going it is necessary to have some plan, a map, the resources to start, continue, and get you to your destination. If you don't then you might find yourself wasting a great deal of time, resources, and energy. Or, far worse, being on the way and you run out of what you need to complete the journey. However, the biggest consideration in all this is - if you discover you are not going where you want... what will you do?

  One of the greatest tragedies, in my estimation, is to discover you aren't headed where you want but rather than making the correction you continue on. How unsatisfactory. Wherever you are, even close to the finish, if you find your goals have changed or circumstances force a change and what you want now is different, then be brave enough to stop and change. I realize that it's easier to say this than do it and when you have others counting on you, then the ramifications from a change may seem overwhelming. But don't waste you - you want your life to count for something - let it.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Your Roots

  Your journey starts with family - they are your roots. Good, bad, indifferent... this is the beginning. Family is where you try out new behaviors, new ways of interacting - whether or not you are aware of this. Regardless if your family is supportive or demanding, encouraging or dysfunctional this is the beginning of your learning and discoveries. Those of us who were blessed with a caring, nurturing family feel blessed when we finally realize this. Those who weren't sometimes rise above their beginnings and sometimes drown and become dysfunctional too.

  There is an age old battle between nature v. nurture as to which has the most impact on our development. The answer is - yes. Though I personally give the nod to nurture, why battle? They both exert an influence, the context upon which we grow and learn. "They" say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. Trite but true. There's another saying that's equally apt - home is where your story begins.

  Personally I've been blessed with a very supportive family. It never seemed to be a question of if I could accomplish something, more a question of how. Did I always succeed? Of course not, but I never was made to feel like a failure if I tried - it was simply not in my personal 'tool box' of talents and gifts. Before you think I'm glamorizing my family - I never said we are the paragon of all virtues. However, there are two invaluable qualities that permeate our relationships: saying your sorry and forgiveness. This can go a long way.

  What does your story look like from your vantage point of time? Do you see how your roots impact and affect your likes, dislikes, predispositions, etc.? Family is every one's beginning - for good or not - and how you grow in that environment begins your story. While you can argue that your 'control' is dictated by the mores operating in your family, you still have choices that you can make within that framework. Another way of looking at your beginnings is for you to see how many of these activities and behaviors you have kept in your now.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Are you too ... comfortable?

  Do you think you are too... comfortable? You do realize that the familiar can control, yes? It can and we let it. We like 'comfortable' - who wouldn't? The question that needs asking is how do you use familiar and comfortable? Does it provide a springboard, a foundation for something... else? Or do you let it wrap itself around you and cocoon you? Tempting as the cocooning is/may be this should not be what you allow yourself to do.

  Maybe one of the questions is: why are you playing it safe?  Do you need a healthy dose of: to boldly do what you've never done before??? You do believe in yourself, yes? While the 'safe' can accomplish some 'things', it's more of a maintenance approach rather than the more daring, dynamic approach to whatever you are doing. And no, one shouldn't be daring simply to be daring because that smacks of reckless. But... the predictable and safe approach rarely leads to new discoveries.

  Simply because you choose to be daring doesn't, by definition, mean that it is reckless. But it does mean giving opportunity for the different, the unusual - outside the box. Or... is fear stopping you from trying something outside your comfort zone? Is the root cause of your comfortable status based in fear? But, if so, what are you afraid of? Making a mistake? Looking foolish? If any of your rationale falls into this type of category then look at the subject - you. That's the basis of your fear. If it is legitimate concern for safety or others, then that's a different subject.

  'Comfortable' does have its place but the point here is whether or not this is your method of interacting with your world. If it is then do you need to rethink this approach? What stops you from a more dynamic involvement? What stops you from stretching yourself into new and unknown areas? What would encourage you to attempt a foray into the unknown? Never let 'comfortable' lull you into only the safe just as you should never let daring lead you blindly into the abyss. Eyes wide open...

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Control... yours?

  Are you controlling? Or being controlled? Or where, on this continuum, do you see yourself? Or is it a question of what 'area' because control is a relative term? From another perspective: control and ownership are closely related. If you don't have any control then it's difficult to feel any ownership for what's happening in your sphere of involvement. Just as ownership has to embody a certain level of control for the 'fruit' of your endeavors to have any meaning, so control needs to have a context for ownership over what's happening to provide any significance. No one likes to be involved in 'make work'.

  We all need to have some area of our life in which we are the total master, have complete control. Problems occur when there is conflict over 'who' is in control and/or when our area of control is usurped by someone else attempting to control. Obviously one issue is how to resolve the conflict between two
'forces' attempting to control. Another issue is how to resolve for ourselves our feelings when our control is threatened, attacked. Often the problem is that the two issues are inseparable which causes another area of conflict, especially when we don't resolve our feelings.

  While you may end up 'losing' control over the situation, you always have control over your feelings. The only time you lose control over feelings is when you willfully give up your rights, even 'uncontrollable' reactions/responses are never totally uncontrollable. Typically the actor in this situation really does know but chooses to disregard. Your control may not be in 'how' you feel but your expression of feelings is always yours to determine. And... not acknowledging your feelings is as bad as an explosive expression - maybe worse.

  No one wants to lose control. No one wants to feel that others, events control us. In these situations we quickly attempt to discern where we can exercise control. Control in all of its manifestations is constantly changing. Our task is to determine where, in the midst of the ever changing, is our firm foundation; where is our area of responsibility, where is the place that we... control.


...but, what do you think? what do you believe?