Sympathy

  On the whole... I'm not in favor of sympathy. I realize that people are trying to be kind but typically the expression is done in such an uncomfortable or off handed way. Rarely is there any true expression - typically it is the banal, trite statements. One does doubt the sincerity if you are on the receiving end and one really doesn't know how to best extend sympathy if you are on the giving end.

  So if you are on the receiving end, what are you seeking if it's 'sympathy' you want? Understanding? Appreciation? Empathy? And that's at the heart of the problem - what it is that we really are wanting? Too often, we don't even identify our own need. If the situation is painful then the only thing you really are wanting is to get through it and have some alone time (though not too much of the latter). Plus - receiving it only adds to the pain of the moment.

  If you are on the giving end you really want to express sympathy and you don't want your own feelings to get in the way. Terrible dilemma. Perhaps it is me but... do you know of any effective way to offer sympathy? Obviously putting the emphasis on the other person and what they may be experiencing rather than your own sense of discomfort is the basis. I sometimes think that in our expressions we are attempting to remember our own similar situation and respond accordingly.
 
  I realize and understand the purpose of sympathy. And if I'm sounding harsh or insensitive it's because too few can express it effectively.  I remember that when my mother died that I was angry and my Dad was numb. Which are typical responses. As long as we sympathy-givers don't try and 'fix' the anger or numbness but instead acknowledge it - then the sympathy is real and accepted. And once we work through our feelings as receivers, then we can appreciate what others have said or done.

...but, what do you think?

Timing

  They say that timing is everything... and I tend to agree. Unfortunately, in the critical, philosophical issues of life I tend to have absolutely terrible timing. It's not that I am late - I am never late (one of the hallmarks from my father). However, I do tend to be early. I seem to get ahead of God's plan which can lead to less than positive results. And... being early is just as bad as being late!

  Part of my problem, in my estimation, is that I am so eager to be of use I get excited and preempt the action. Adding to this is my tendency to hear only the first part of the sentence before I go off riding into places angels wouldn't even go. I don't always remember that sometimes God is giving us information to be used later rather than acting on now. Not me. I'm off and doing... No, God is not surprised and He keeps giving me opportunities to be still and learn. And I really am considerably better.

  Is there such a thing as The perfect time? I don't know, but I doubt it. I do believe that there are better times than others and, uncontradictory, there are times you have to act regardless of the timing. The point is - why are you acting NOW? Have you taken the time to look at the conditions and the potential ramifications of acting now rather than waiting? Have you determined the best way you can act, if it is to be now? Point is... have you taken the time to assess (and this does not have to take hours, it can take moments)?

  What becomes the motivator? Your desire to do something or to do what you should be doing? If effectiveness is your goal or if the best possible result is your goal then you'll take the time to see if this is the time. It may be, it may be later. Stop a moment and remember a time when the 'stars were aligned' and everything came together... such a spectacular feeling. That is always worth waiting for.

...but, what do you believe?

Looking in the rear view mirror...

is that how you are living your life? Looking in the rear view mirror ... for threats or enemies? for past successes? Obviously, the problem in looking in the rear view mirror is that you aren't aware of what's in your line of vision. How can you see the obstacle in front of you? or the beautiful view? or the curve coming up? or the person coming toward you? or...

  A quick glance backward is inevitable - we all do it. But continuing to look in that direction rarely is conducive to engaging what's in front of you. But why is it that we look back? What do we hope to find? Perhaps we're hoping we actually didn't do or say what we know we did? Trying to savor a success? Attempting to get clues in order to handle the challenges we face? All the above. It isn't unusual to relive yesterday - the problem is living then ... today.

  History is suppose to provide us understanding of what happened - then. And it is true that until we learn the lessons of yesterday we are doomed to repeat them. Looking back, remembering's purpose is to aid us in understanding but it is not where we are to take up residence. Besides, the 'ingredients' from yesterday have changed and you really recreate all the components precisely. Why you would want to still remains the puzzlement.

  Nostalgia really is all that it's cracked up to be and the funny stories from yesterday are still amusing. Remember them fondly. If the memories are 'hard' then use the experience(s) to develop new ways of coping and/or overcoming similar situations. But staying in that momentary time warp won't allow you to savor what's happening in your now... even if your now is hard.

...but what do you think? 

Thanksgiving

  What visions does this word conjure up in your mind when you hear it? Do you think of family and friends gathered for a feast of turkey and dressing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and all the other accoutrements? Perhaps you remember your grade school history lessons of pilgrims and Indians sitting down to a peaceable feast? But let's face it - the first thing we think about is food... and probably football!

  If you live in a small town there is probably an ecumenical service on Wednesday night in which all the churches participate. Most of the time the service is rotated yearly so that each church has the opportunity to host the service. Also, most of the time there is a choir composed of people from each of the churches who have been practicing together for weeks. This coming together provides people the opportunity to give thanks as a group.

  Traditionally, Thanksgiving heralds the start of the 'holiday season'. But now that Christmas shopping starts before Halloween, where does this leave Thanksgiving? Just like we lose the reason for the Christmas season I believe we lose the purpose of Thanksgiving. As great as the food is and the joy of family celebrating together, Thanksgiving is a time to stop, consider, and give thanks. We should stop and remember and rejoice in the blessings we have received this past year. 

  We need to remember our forefathers who came to this land so that they could be free and safe. These men and women gave up all their comforts to venture toward a land they'd never seen and conditions they did not know. And once they were here one of their first acts was to stop and give thanks and celebrated with the people already here. We should remember this. And we should also give thanks to those men and women who are, today, standing as a line of defense protecting our freedoms. 

  Thanksgiving is important and being thankful is critical.

 

Empty chair...

  Are you facing an empty chair during holiday times? For many it may not be the first holiday but it still feels as if it is. Regardless... are you flooded with memories that make you smile, or ones that make you sad? The more recent the empty chair the more difficult it can be and when it's the first holiday that you are facing the loss, it's all the more difficult. So how do you handle an empty chair?

  I know that people tell you, as politely as they can, to 'get over it and move on'. I'm sure that they are saying this with some level of compassion but it typically only hurts rather than helps. Unless they have experienced a loss they really can't completely appreciate what you feel. And when the memories are positive, are 'joyful' then moving on is even more difficult. But don't let these feelings control you - I know, easier said than done.

  This is especially true when some of the activities were shared ones, you can't help but miss the one who was by your side. If, however, you can stop long enough to consider what that person would think of how you are handling the loss, you might react with a different motivation. Example: my mother was a terrific decorator and would always involved us in the festivity. It was always a time of laughter. She would be totally disappointed in me if I didn't carry on the tradition and also the laughter. My approach doesn't diminish the loss but it does skew the feelings.

  Each one of us has to face our own empty chairs and 'move on' as best we can. For me, a positive way to face it is remembering. Counter intuitive? No. Actually meeting it face on. To no longer be involved in the (fill in the blank) would deny the joy of the memory. Embracing it carries with it a kind of healing that is far more pervasive and affirming.

...but what do you think?

Locating God

  Do you know where He is? Or, in the words of our 21st century society... is He on your speed dial? He isn't hiding, you know. No that wasn't being either facetious or disrespectful. It is a legitimate question - where is God in your life? He can be as close as your breath. Or He can be at arms length, too often taken out only when we need Him to get us out of (whatever it is we need to be extricated from)... He's right there but He desires a relationship not just a nodding acknowledgement.

  Since it's impossible to misplace God (He isn't lost), it must be a case of not developing a personal relationship with Him.? Therefore, when was the last time you had a conversation with Him and what was happening in your life? When you last were with Him were you praying? or studying? or simply enjoying being together? Did you need Him to do something for you? Or were you wanting to do something for Him?

  If you think you have lost Him, what kinds of activities did you typically do together? What kind of relationship do you have? I realize He is God and deserving of all praise, worship, adoration but He is also father who wants to have a vital involvement in our lives. God doesn't want to control us but He does have guidelines and rules that He expects us to obey. Is that the basis of your problem? What's your problem with obedience? Is that why you think you have lost Him? He's still there, He's just waiting for you.

  It really isn't difficult locating God but it does require our reaching out to Him. He took the first step by redeeming us out of the death and sin that controlled and dictated who we were. But it requires us to take the next step and accept His gift. He has this incredible celebration planned for you when you do. No, He won't remove all your problems but He did promise to always be with you and to provide you a way out of those problems. There is an amazing list of promises waiting for you once you turn around - He's right there with arms open wide.

...but, what do you believe?
 

Competitive

  Are you the competitive type? Actually there's nothing wrong, in my world, with being competitive unless you use your behavior against someone else. From that statement you can correctly assume that I'm competitive. However, I tend to be a specialize competitor rather than a competitor on anything and everything. My area of competition is 'intellectual', with the exception of golf. But do you take a strategy that everything you do is a competition... against someone, some thing?

  Perhaps the issue is really more of the how you compete because I would argue that we all are competitive at times - it depends on whether or not the issue/focus is something that's important to us. The compete on anything all the time is not a particularly intelligent use of your time, energy, or resources since you can't focus on the important if you are already engaged in something else. If your 'how' is non manipulative and fair then even if you 'lose' you still can be satisfied. 

  From a context view, do you compete with a 'no holds bar', win at any cost approach? Or do you use the 'battle' as a learning experience? Do you know and understand your opponent? My major opposition is with me and my previous accomplishment - I typically always try to best myself. However, if you don't analyze what's occurring then I would suggest that you 'lose' more often than you tie or win. I try and down play the emotional component and use my version of SWTO (strengths, weaknesses, threats, opportunities).

  In the scriptural context of iron sharpening iron, competition can be fun and it can hone one's skills as well as providing information. I remember, as a child, I had an instant flaming temper (red hair) until my mother pointed out that if I lose my temper I also lose the 'argument'. Competition can be 'fun' and it definitely can be 'educational'.

...but, what do you think?

People pleasing

  Are you a people pleaser? Before you put on your highly insulted face, think about it. And before we go further...what's wrong with being a people pleaser?! I think I would argue that we all are people pleasers to some degree or other. It's really a continuum from the sickeningly sweet types to the stoic don't let anyone know types. If you noticed... both ends of the continuum are false, are the types to avoid at all cost.

  Definition is important at this point. We can go from the elaborate all inclusive definition to the more operational one - I choose the latter. If my definition provokes a new thinking about people pleasing - fine. People pleasing is not unthinkingly doing what others want... regardless. Yes, it attempts to accommodate others but not at the expense of one's own beliefs and standards. Another aspect of people pleasers is the ability and willingness to listen to what another person wants or needs before reacting.

  Sometimes it isn't you who needs to fulfill their need/want but you are a source pointing them toward their resolution. The feeling of being rejected by others if you don't comply is not a motivator in this definition. While feelings are important they aren't the sole reason to act or not. Another generalized point about people pleasing relate to passive aggressive behaving people. They are not people pleasers, they are people manipulators in the guise of being pleasers.

  Being a people pleaser must be a positive for you or you will find yourself compromised. Being a 'people pleaser' is neither good or bad. It is part of the definition of who you are, actually who most people are. People pleasing comes in all forms of people interaction and in varying degrees of behavior. For those of you who know you are people pleasers, you need to know your 'type' and if it is a true representation of who you are. That really is the only question.

...but, what do you think?

Life goes on...

  I don't think I like that phrase - it's so dismissive. It is anything but life affirming. While undeniably true, it doesn't seem to acknowledge 'now' and what may be happening. This phrase which I would like to think was uttered with the best of intentions is disrespectful at best. Sometimes you have to somehow stop and really see what is happening before you speak that phrase. While true, it's the 'how' that makes the difference.

  Everyone faces this reality at least once and probably multiple times during their life. For me, I've discovered that until I acknowledge the pain resulting from what happened that I really can't move on. And to embody the phrase requires acknowledging but not wallowing. We need to find our own 'silver lining' in the midst of the how we feel. Besides, in these situations we really are as strong as we think we are. We just haven't plumbed our own depths.

  What is equally 'interesting' is that this phrase also applies to good things that happen to us. When it is a positive experience then we typically like to stay in the glow. But staying too long in the glow either ends up burning us or we watch the fire go out. Certainly! Enjoy the moment of success but then... move on. There are new mountains to conquer and success is a great motivator.

  Life goes on... there's no stopping it so why not enjoy and direct it? You are the director of your life and only you can live it to its fullest. Wallowing and basking are momentary and that's how you need to 'live' them. Certainly pain hurts! Certainly success should be celebrated! But the next moment awaits you - don't waste it.

...but what do you think?

Redemption

  Seriously... can you get your head around that word? Can you even define it? Do you understand what it means? More importantly - do you see how it applies to YOU? 1- that you actually need to be redeemed and 2- that it is an extremely simple method to acquire it for yourself? Sometimes our problem is that we over think something. Sometimes our problem is that we don't realize when it applies to our life.

  So, now what? You certainly don't have the power or ability to extricate yourself. Looking around you, you won't find another person with the power or ability either. Maybe the question is - do you want to be redeemed? Or do you feel so self-sufficient that you don't think you need a savior? If so, I would strongly suggest that you reconsider. Even looking at this question from only a secular view I think that the evidence points to the fact that we all do. When you consider the spiritual basis, then the evidence is overwhelming concerning our need.

  It is amazingly simple - you are in need of redemption and there is an answer. However, let's start with a definition. Redemption according to Webster is: the act, process, or an instance of redeeming. (I really dislike it intensely when they define a word by using that word.) Redeem means to: to buy back, to free from captivity by payment of ransom, to free from the consequences of sin. I could go on but I think the point is made. And before you say you have no need to be redeemed - you do. When you look at your life can you honestly say that it is a life lived free from sin? And quantitative or qualitative of sin is not at issue.

  Answer - discover Jesus and acknowledge who He is, what He did, and what He continues to do on your and other believers behalf. You can't save yourself, you can't buy salvation/redemption, but by accepting the free gift through your belief in Jesus, you have everything else that comes with redemption. You can through your act of faith and acceptance be redeemed - the alternative is horrendous.

...but, what do you believe?

The Blatant Christian

  The starting place is a definition - what is and is not a blatant? To me 'blatant' is a person who IS what they say. It's not necessarily an 'in your face' person, yet they don't compromise their beliefs - they live them. Their witness is visible in their behavior. Which means I don't adhere to Webster's definition. Blatant doesn't need to fight to be heard because it's as much an 'is' as it is a behavior, a particular belief. It is obvious, not hidden; it is unmistakable, it is confident, and it is able to withstand whatever challenges it.  Bottom line... does this define you as a Christian?

  Perhaps another way to look at this is... are you comfortable being a Christian in front of others? Or do you take the 'live and let live' approach? This is lukewarm at best. You don't want to push your beliefs on others? Why? Don't you care for them? Aren't you aware of their 'final resting place' if they don't make a decision for the Lord? Granted - you can't make another believe but you can make them aware. Your expression may be the catalyst that causes another person to re-examine what they believe.

  If there's only one word to describe blatant it has to be passion. And passion is expressed in a myriad of ways - but it is expressed. Another scripture says that we do the planting, the watering but it is God who makes the increase. He has empowered us to plant and water - that's what we do. And each of us has our own unique way of expressing our planting or watering but increase only occurs when we do our part.
 
  Our blatant expression is a message that a hurting, dying world needs to hear. It isn't false hope and it becomes powerful in the lives of those who express their Christianity and to those who see and hear the message. You have to admit that all the other voices are being expressed but are those voices expressing a true hope? Being blatant doesn't force others to accept but it does witness to what has happened in your life. 

...but, what do you believe?

Towel throwing...

  Do you ever feel like 'throwing in the towel'? Of course you do! But do you... throw? Why??? (And, How???) What is it that makes you throw in the towel, give up, quit - or want to? No matter how much you have put into (fill in the blank) do you simply walk away? I suspect that there are times we should, but there are probably more times that we shouldn't. What will make you choose what path is your 'next'?

  One thing I try to remember at these kinds of crossroads is the scripture that says... if God be for me, who can stand against me. And then I look at whether or not this should apply in this particular situation. Yes, God is always for me but my responsibility is to discover if this is something applicable, something I should be involved in, and by extension - continue. Regardless of the answer... I have my answer.

  Towel throwing should be sparingly used. It's a kind of 'last resort' response. What we need to do is prior to the throwing... back at the beginning, prior to being involved, assess whether we need or should be involved. There are many stimuli calling for our attention but it doesn't mean that we need to respond to all of them. I don't think we should put God in the position of a good luck charm to whip out whenever we need to get us out of situations we shouldn't have gotten ourselves into in the first place.

  If we didn't do our initial 'due diligence' we can do so now to find our path and response. IF this is a towel throwing situation then our behavior is very important - the 'how' of extricating is vital. You can't simply slink away nor can you throw a temper tantrum and point fingers. Cut your losses? Yes but you can't leave others in the lurch without telling them of your decision and why. Sometimes this will help them to make their decision of continuing or... throwing in the towel.

...but, what do you think?