I WILL try again...

If you are anything like me, these words probably sound like a theme song. This is especially true when it comes to spiritual matters. It truly isn't an excuse... more of a promise. Partly because of the reality of what I call Paul's lament (Romans 7:15) doing what he doesn't want to and not doing what he should. Honestly, sometimes I surprise myself with what I say/do. But, there is always an underlying motivation to what I am doing/saying - even if I don't understand or admit it. Sadly, sometimes my reason is  - I wanted to (or could). Obviously, not the bigger person in the situation.

Why? Why would we... knowing, on some level, the eventual outcome. I believe it sometimes is a 'just because', but sometimes it is that urging to 'get even', again on some level. At least most of my bad behavior can be so categorized. I always end up having to explain and apologize so it is never a good outcome. Did it make me feel justified in the doing? Possibly. But is that ever any reason for bad behavior?

The promise? To myself and the Lord that I will try to amend my poor behavior and that I will try and discover some 'coping mechanism' to respond more proactively and less destructively. When it comes to making promises, I am most reluctant to do this if it entails a - do not every repeat - clause. The reason is that if this could escalate into violence I don't want that on my conscience. However, if I do make a promise then I try and do everything in my power to keep it. Not everyone has this particular stance, but it is mine. So if it is me who is making a promise, I want to be certain not to involve myself in something I have no control over or have no opportunity to accomplish. Therefore, my definition of 'promise' is quite specific. 

Personally, my goal is to stop myself before I get to the action phase so that I am being and doing what I need and want to. So my promise is also linked to a goal that is achievable. 'Can't' has no place in goals or promises in my world of definitions. I also don't always want to be in the state of ... I will try again ... I do want to experience success. So my "I will try's" become growing and improving, learnings and understandings to become the best me I can become.