Your Roots

  Your journey starts with family - they are your roots. Good, bad, indifferent... this is the beginning. Family is where you try out new behaviors, new ways of interacting - whether or not you are aware of this. Regardless if your family is supportive or demanding, encouraging or dysfunctional this is the beginning of your learning and discoveries. Those of us who were blessed with a caring, nurturing family feel blessed when we finally realize this. Those who weren't sometimes rise above their beginnings and sometimes drown and become dysfunctional too.

  There is an age old battle between nature v. nurture as to which has the most impact on our development. The answer is - yes. Though I personally give the nod to nurture, why battle? They both exert an influence, the context upon which we grow and learn. "They" say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. Trite but true. There's another saying that's equally apt - home is where your story begins.

  Personally I've been blessed with a very supportive family. It never seemed to be a question of if I could accomplish something, more a question of how. Did I always succeed? Of course not, but I never was made to feel like a failure if I tried - it was simply not in my personal 'tool box' of talents and gifts. Before you think I'm glamorizing my family - I never said we are the paragon of all virtues. However, there are two invaluable qualities that permeate our relationships: saying your sorry and forgiveness. This can go a long way.

  What does your story look like from your vantage point of time? Do you see how your roots impact and affect your likes, dislikes, predispositions, etc.? Family is every one's beginning - for good or not - and how you grow in that environment begins your story. While you can argue that your 'control' is dictated by the mores operating in your family, you still have choices that you can make within that framework. Another way of looking at your beginnings is for you to see how many of these activities and behaviors you have kept in your now.

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Are you too ... comfortable?

  Do you think you are too... comfortable? You do realize that the familiar can control, yes? It can and we let it. We like 'comfortable' - who wouldn't? The question that needs asking is how do you use familiar and comfortable? Does it provide a springboard, a foundation for something... else? Or do you let it wrap itself around you and cocoon you? Tempting as the cocooning is/may be this should not be what you allow yourself to do.

  Maybe one of the questions is: why are you playing it safe?  Do you need a healthy dose of: to boldly do what you've never done before??? You do believe in yourself, yes? While the 'safe' can accomplish some 'things', it's more of a maintenance approach rather than the more daring, dynamic approach to whatever you are doing. And no, one shouldn't be daring simply to be daring because that smacks of reckless. But... the predictable and safe approach rarely leads to new discoveries.

  Simply because you choose to be daring doesn't, by definition, mean that it is reckless. But it does mean giving opportunity for the different, the unusual - outside the box. Or... is fear stopping you from trying something outside your comfort zone? Is the root cause of your comfortable status based in fear? But, if so, what are you afraid of? Making a mistake? Looking foolish? If any of your rationale falls into this type of category then look at the subject - you. That's the basis of your fear. If it is legitimate concern for safety or others, then that's a different subject.

  'Comfortable' does have its place but the point here is whether or not this is your method of interacting with your world. If it is then do you need to rethink this approach? What stops you from a more dynamic involvement? What stops you from stretching yourself into new and unknown areas? What would encourage you to attempt a foray into the unknown? Never let 'comfortable' lull you into only the safe just as you should never let daring lead you blindly into the abyss. Eyes wide open...

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Control... yours?

  Are you controlling? Or being controlled? Or where, on this continuum, do you see yourself? Or is it a question of what 'area' because control is a relative term? From another perspective: control and ownership are closely related. If you don't have any control then it's difficult to feel any ownership for what's happening in your sphere of involvement. Just as ownership has to embody a certain level of control for the 'fruit' of your endeavors to have any meaning, so control needs to have a context for ownership over what's happening to provide any significance. No one likes to be involved in 'make work'.

  We all need to have some area of our life in which we are the total master, have complete control. Problems occur when there is conflict over 'who' is in control and/or when our area of control is usurped by someone else attempting to control. Obviously one issue is how to resolve the conflict between two
'forces' attempting to control. Another issue is how to resolve for ourselves our feelings when our control is threatened, attacked. Often the problem is that the two issues are inseparable which causes another area of conflict, especially when we don't resolve our feelings.

  While you may end up 'losing' control over the situation, you always have control over your feelings. The only time you lose control over feelings is when you willfully give up your rights, even 'uncontrollable' reactions/responses are never totally uncontrollable. Typically the actor in this situation really does know but chooses to disregard. Your control may not be in 'how' you feel but your expression of feelings is always yours to determine. And... not acknowledging your feelings is as bad as an explosive expression - maybe worse.

  No one wants to lose control. No one wants to feel that others, events control us. In these situations we quickly attempt to discern where we can exercise control. Control in all of its manifestations is constantly changing. Our task is to determine where, in the midst of the ever changing, is our firm foundation; where is our area of responsibility, where is the place that we... control.


...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Your life is precious...

  YOUR life is precious. You do realize this, don't you? No, I mean really realize this, not just give lip service - that this is a 'given' in your thinking. There is a scripture (Psalms 139:14) that talks about you being wonderfully and fearfully made. 'Fear' in this sense is awe not frightened. If you are wonderfully and fearfully made and if this is real for you then you can not take this lightly.

  One of the first understandings is the 'who' that is calling you wonderfully and fearfully (Isaiah 43:7). This is God speaking and He's talking about You! He has chosen to lavish all His grace and favor, His love and caring... on You. This is His choice, you can't earn it. He desires only the best for you and provides all that you need. Can you begin to fathom this?

  I realize that comprehending this is mind boggling and the evidences all around us from other people tend to refute this - but remember the speaker. These are not idle words, His word in Isaiah (55:11) says that His word does not go forth without accomplishing what He sends it to do. And in this case, the God of the universe is talking to you about you. Throughout scripture God tells us over and over of His love and shows us by His actions. His requirements are few, the main one being that you believe on His Son Jesus.

  So what do you do with this status? Accept it. Apply it and this means also extending this to other people. Rather than giving license to do whatever we want, it gives us a foundation upon which we can act. When you accept it means that you believe and believing is defined in terms of acting. Your life being precious means that you have purpose... you have meaning... you belong. We are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) created for good works, so we have assignments to complete. Remember God doesn't make defective people. In and through Him we are able. 

...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Self absorbed

  Are you? The answer is - of course. Don't go all self righteous, we all, to some degree or other, are self absorbed. It's another of those 'givens'. It's not something to be ashamed of... unless it controls you. And, until you are able to acknowledge that you are self absorbed you won't be able to 'control' it rather than it controlling you. When you remember that mankind is a creation that experiences and learns based on application, then it's not surprising. We are the subject, the center by which we understand and relate to the world around us.

  No value judgment but do you know the definition of self absorbed? Webster says: "...absorbed in one's own thoughts, activities, or interests". Personally I dislike any definition that uses itself as the definition. Absorb, according to Webster has many definitions but the closest to this conversation is: to engage or engross wholly. It's the 'wholly' that's the problem. It's impossible for us to not use ourselves as the frame of reference in our learning and applying the learning. The problem is if we: 1- expect others to adhere to our understanding and 2- don't look for alternative understandings.

  Wholly really doesn't need to mean 'only'. Problems arise, however, when wholly does means only. Our responsibility is to be honest with ourselves and determine on the scale - where our level of self absorption is. We have our frame of reference based on our experiences and that's understandable, again - the issues arise when we expect others to have the same one. While it may not be logical to make the assumption, we still do and we always are surprised.

  The other issue is our cement approach to life and life's issues. Once we have arrived at a 'philosophy' that makes sense we need to have a refining mindset. There are very few things that truly are in cement. As we interact with our world and the people who populate it we can be involved in a great adventure of discovery or we can attempt to dig our heels in and be buffeted by all that comes into contact with us. Exactly 'how' are you self absorbed?

 
...but, what do you think? what do you believe?

Do you listen?

  No, I mean Listen - with a capital 'L' not the small 'l'. I think listening is an acquired art and it is an art to be learned. To listen you must take the time to learn the components of listening. This requires watching as much as listening. Hearing the words that are used and the choices made in word usage. However, it primarily means being more interested in the speaker than in yourself. Everyone has a story to tell, an opinion to share, a question to ask - but do you listen?

  I've always believed that most people are more interested in framing a response to what's being said before the speaker finishes. If you believe I'm being too harsh then I ask you - how many times do you hear the 'listener' respond nearly immediately to what the speaker said? 'Immediately' is the point. How often is there a pause as the listener contemplates what was said before responding? And equally important, how often does the response acknowledge the entire message the speaker presented rather than only a part of the message?

  Whether or not you realize it, listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person. It's critical, in listening, to never assume. Never assume the speaker actually knows what they are saying. Never assume the words used hold the same definitions as what you may think. And never take offense at what's said - it may not be meant in the way you think.

  Listening's greatest tool is asking questions. Actually the point in all this is to ask questions, ask the speaker to define their words. Questions accomplishes two things: one, it lets the speaker know that you actually are listening to what they are saying and two, it helps them to refine their thinking and in some cases, rethink their thinking. If you are saying, 'yes, yes, yes' I know all that... then maybe the question should be - what do you hear? Do you hear what's being said? What you think? Or... perhaps, your hearing allows you to interact with the speaking.

... but what do you think? what do you believe?

Mess up

   I sometimes, in my less than rational moments, wonder if mankind is predestined to mess up. We seem to do it with such regularity. However, the questions that emanate are really addressing the 'now what': what do you do when you are the source or create a mess? Do you point fingers? Try to subtly disappear? Take responsibility? What is your first thought and 'action'? Excuse?Apologize? Explain? Look for a scapegoat? The answers to these questions do point to your character and it definitely speaks to your maturity. Since we all are subject to making these blunders, it is important to know our first reaction. I know I would like to be seen as a mature person but there are moments when I only exasperate the situation.

   The worse 'mess up' is when it is people based. And most of the problem(s) typically stem from your attempts at correction - that's why it is so important to know and understand what you do to 'correct'. Obviously the 'logical' thing is to do a quick assessment as to what it was you did and then the implications that ensued. Hurt feelings or mistakes are one thing - trust is another. When you break trust with another person, once broken it rarely is reestablished. Regardless, there are certain actions that are mandatory such as apologizing. Sometimes that's the only thing you can do... or need to do.

  It's never easy to accept the fact and responsibility that what happened was due to your fault - what you did or did not do. But it happens. The 'cause' of the fault isn't in question at this moment, it's the fact that you did it. While it is important to correct/salvage the current situation I think we lose sight of our own feelings and actions too often. We need to simultaneously and intentionally look to what we do because that too will speak to 'how' we respond to correcting or salvaging. Logic says that we will repeat previous reactions without reasoning, but if they are self defeating, this will delay correcting and growing.

  We waste considerably less time and effort if we acknowledge our fault and move on to redeem the situation. But if saving face is the primary motivator then we typically end up losing the trust of those we are working with through our delaying tactics. How and what we do impacts on setting the 'mores' of the environment regardless of our place and function. Own up... move on...

  ...but, what do you think? what do you believe?